it was almost dark outside and i could barely hear the heavy traffic in the distance, muffled by a manufactured sound of rain, playing endlessly by some device. that very sound, my friend told me months before, it’s great for soothing babies. the lights were out and i rocked him, as the lullaby chanted repeatedly along the water.
When you press me to your heart
I’m in a world apart
A world where roses bloom
And when you speak, angels sing from above
Everyday words seems to turn into love songs
i remember crying to this this song somewhat 5 years ago, during one of the ending episodes of how i met your mother. the pun was not intended at first, actually, but i can’t help to grasp the irony. and i couldn’t help the tears, either. i wept holding the baby in my arms, alone in that dark room while my friend had a much deserving time for herself. i wept and was confronted, once again, with how much i want this.
the last time i visited that same friend (and same baby) was the last time we – me and him – ever had a good talk on the phone. we were happy. he made sure to mention how glad he was to hear me so excited about life. i asked him for a baby. he said yes. i got cold feet as soon as i hung up.
every time i meet with any of my friends that are ~newborn~ mothers, the conversation eventually shifts to how hard it became to maintain the relationship and how disappointing the father’s participation has been. this repeating subject slowly made me make peace with the idea of not to wait for – or even depend on – a man – even worse, the right man – to make what has always been my biggest dream become reality. i don’t have to ask for a child. among all the cons, actually, my own friends have made the pros absolutely clear. plus, it’s not like i have all the options, at least right now.
during the past months, more than anything, i’ve started to nest. turned my focus inwards. got well stabilised emotionally and financially (the only two new year resolutions i was able to keep). bought a home, a dream home, carefully picked considering schools, parks and sports clubs, in which a kid’s room is already planned. more recently, also, i started the fertility treatment i kept pushing back for a couple of years. it was always supposed to be something i did as a sort of insurance, so i had the option later in life. not anymore.
i’m all in.
and while all this unfolds, i chose to pass on the possibility of spending a week partying with friends, as i did a year ago. as all this unfolds, he spends a week immerse in drugs and sex and god knows what else to see it all burns to the ground.
talk about symbolisms.
Give your heart and soul to me
And life will always be
La vie en rose
