Come a little bit closer, here’s what a have to say.
He got up from the sofa, on his way to the bathroom as Neil Young’s Harvest Moon, started playing on the tv. That was the first moment i had to sink in to what was going on for the past week. As I laid there, exhausted and high, i closed my eyes and was instantly transported to Vallejo St.
It only took a few seconds, but i could see the fog hiding the top of the Transamerica Pyramid, the wine glasses and the scented candles, as we – the former “we” – slowly danced in the living room. We never really danced there, I think, but this was me having my last, the very last, goodbye.
Cause, I forgot to mention, just before, as we were both in my couch at the São Paulo apartment, he told me he already wanted to be my boyfriend. And I realised how much my love life shifted from nothing to omg this is real in a week.
That same day, the only stream of information i had about the ex was soon to be gone. Emotionally, there is pretty much no strain left for months now but my brain keeps tangled in a flow of repeating thoughts and questionings.
All I had to do was to shut the door from 529 Vallejo St, keys left inside.
But also, it has to shut the door on me. I’ve been gone for so long and they all keep coming back. Daily visits from a bank web server, from as many parts of the world as a VPN can reach.
And I really don’t know what the fuss is about, what kind of threat I could possibly represent. Miles away, out of reach, new boyfriend, the whole deal. In terms of competition, specially, it’s definitely more likely be someone who’s not in the picture, as I once wasn’t. Someone oblivious of the situation enough to get in such a mess.
But as one of my best friends constantly repeats: not my circus, not my monkeys.
For over a month I’ve been debating if I should write at all, or maybe at least move domains, but decided not so. This space is the one concrete legacy from this breakup (apart from, of course, BEYONCÉ) and I’m not willing to give anything else up for this defunct relationship.
I stand my ground.
For I’m on my way to have plenty more to write about.
