in the past year, specifically, i’ve been getting really strong – and consistent – feedback when it comes to sex.
it’s a delicate subject and scenario, i know. i can hardly decide whether to believe such enthusiastic compliments, coming from those who are biased and interested in what they can get from me believing in them. but i saw a pattern. and frankly, i kinda agree.
i know, it’s really tricky for me to have any opinion when it comes to female behaviour – how would i know if i hardly deal with any of them? the one time i came to face such a situation – and yes, it was very enlightening in many ways – it wasn’t my main object of attention and much less knowing what makes her tick was my responsibility. even though i am a woman myself – and, as i hear, a very self aware example – i know nothing about us. and now, i gotta.
but first, let’s start with what i know.
though i’m strongly trying to change it, i’m not a confident person. i feel like i have a constant and very loud voice inside my head whose main job is to criticise me and doubt my own perception of things. my thoughts, my body, my decisions, my behaviours. and, for some reason, that voice is instantly silenced when im turned on. alone, with company, you name it. i own it.
why? i have no idea and, since it’s been working perfectly, i never questioned it. never thought of investigating it, it was more than enough to enjoy. it only came to mind, actually, when people started showing amazement in how often and easily, repeatedly and intensely i’m able to get off.
again, why? am i just blessed in being born in an extremely sensitive body? recently, in trying to understand my mental condition – as i carefully explained it – he pointed out: now i get it. you feel EVERYTHING deeper than everyone else.
is it?
i gave it a bit more thought. i faced the very probable chance of being in charge of another woman’s pleasure. i dealt with mine, in unattached conditions and in less than perfect ones. it was there. it’s my own. i, now more than ever, can grab it inside whenever i feel like.
this, especially, is something i realised the power very recently and makes me really proud.
being proud. being whole. feeling beautiful and letting myself in the flow. my process (and that i believe is the same for many of us) sparks, mainly, in my head. it doesn’t matter if i see my body bending in many unflattering ways, if my makeup in so smudged there is mascara on my chin. i’m proud of how i look, of how my skin feels, of how i smell or taste. it doesn’t matter if i’m bleeding, haven’t waxed, ate too much or woke up with a sour breath. i feel like the hottest human being on earth. in those moments, embarrassment, self consciousness, fear or doubt don’t even exist. your eyes make me feel like the hottest woman alive. by then, i am fucking sure i am. i’m even kinda jealous of whoever has the honour to do me.
and, as we all know, feeling hot makes us look hot. having my brain turned on makes my entire body electric. makes me get so dived in the moment that whatever i do (and i want it all), i give all of myself. magically, i am – us both, i guess – in this never ending spiral of pleasure and that’s pretty much the feedback i get. magic.
(are you a witch or something?)
so, great. i’m blessed. what a gift. it’s so rare, they all confirmed. let’s enjoy.
until it’s time to shift the focus. and i guess this is now.
